How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone
by Jessica12
Summary: Chuck/Blair - "You want to say everything you should have said long ago. But you doubt that she wants to hear it anymore." Chuck's POV


Title: **How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else**  
Author: Jessica  
Pairing: Chuck/Blair Genre: Angst, POV  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: None  
Feedback: YES  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: **_"_**_You want to say everything you should have said long ago. But you doubt that she wants to hear it anymore"_  
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from a song by Alanis Morrisette. Not beta read as I do not have a permanent beta reader. Want to be my beta reader?? Email me.  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.

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_"And I will blame myself  
For holding on to what I hoped would keep you by my side"_

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Chuck's POV

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She comes to you just after the sun has been devoured by darkness.  
She stands in the doorway at first with a smile lingering on her lips.  
You almost hate her then.  
You play with the thought of not letting her in but you always surrender as her eyes meet yours.  
She brushes past you without saying a word.  
You want to touch her, just to make sure that she is real, but you keep your hands at your sides.  
You close the door and turn around.  
She is standing by the window with her back towards you.  
The rain is smashing angrily against the windows of your penthouse.  
You want to say something but your mouth refuse to form words.  
There is nothing left to say anyways.  
She is beautiful as she stands there, framed by the window.  
You move slowly towards her.  
She doesn't move away from you as you stand so close that your hand briefly touches hers.  
Every part of you wants to touch her, needs to touch her.  
She knows this of course but just for tonight you will refuse to acknowledge this fact.  
Your heart almost skips a beat as she intertwine her fingers with yours.  
She turns towards you then.  
She doesn't say anything.  
She never once speak your name.  
The only sound that pierce the silence is the rain against the windows.  
She smiles at you and leads you by the hand through the living room towards your bedroom.  
Your heart is racing fast in your chest as she stops by the bed.  
She lets go of your hand.  
You're already missing her touch.  
Your eyes meet as she let her clothes fall to the floor. Your hand tremble a little as you reach for her.  
But she doesn't move.  
She stands there looking at you.  
She lifts her chin just a little in an act of defiance.  
You know the drill by now.  
Every night is the same story.  
The battle to remain in control.  
You always loses the battle.  
You take two steps to bridge the gap between the two of you.  
A small sigh escapes from her lips as you frame her face between your hands and make her look at you.  
You want to say everything you should have said long ago. But you doubt that she wants to hear it anymore.  
You search her eyes for some thing to latch on to. But you find nothing.  
She refuses to give you anything.  
You know this.  
But you will take whatever you can get.  
You bend down to let your lips taste hers but she turns away.  
She never lets you kiss her anymore.  
She reserves that right to another.  
The rejection stings your heart but you refuse to give her the satisfaction of seeing the pain she can cause you.  
Your lips finds the sensitive skin just below her ear.  
You let your lips trace a path down her neck as your hand dances down her back only to settle on the small of her back.  
You pull her towards you.  
She melts against you as she molds her body against yours.  
You lift her up and sit her down on the bed.  
You undress in the small shimmer of light that has found its way into the bedroom.  
You lay down beside her.  
She let her hands explore the length of your body.  
You turn towards her and let your desire carry you away.

She leaves your bed just before the morning sun graces the world with its presents.  
She dresses with her back towards you.  
You lay there in silence and watches as she raises her walls again to go back to the man that she gives her heart to.  
Your skin still burns from her touch and you can still taste her.  
You want to say something.  
You want to stop her from leaving.  
Three small words escape from your lips in that moment:  
"I love you"  
Your words seem to hover and soar around the room. She turns around.  
Her eyes are dark as she speaks:  
"Don't say that again"  
Then she turns around and walk away from you.  
Every time she leaves she takes a little piece of you with her. And slowly but surely your wasted heart is dying.  
But you don't care anymore.  
At least you have the nights.  
And for now that will have to be enough.

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